It’s getting easier

This week is already better than the last. I think it helps that it is a short week this week. Basically Monday was really Wednesday. Our staff meeting lasted an hour and a half. We hedged bets, we laughed, I saw the attorney's let their hair down a bit. It is fun to see them in action and how their minds work. How they shoot ideas off each other and try to anticipate how opposing counsel and the judge will rule.

We were told that the firm will be closed from the 24^th – 3^rd. I can't remember when I've had this much time off without having to put up a fight for it. Best of all it's paid and doesn't go against my 2 weeks vacation that I get to take at another time. Also there's a plan to go to a ski resort for a weekend in February. We are having an ugly sweater party as party of our holiday dinner.

I am starting to get it. I only had to ask a handful of questions today. The attorneys told me I did a good job. I am starting to feel more comfortable.

I am still scared to death that I will mess up. But I am trying.

 

Life and Stuff

Working 40 hours a week is insane.
Working 40 hours a week and having 3 classes is even more insane.
I had a final this week for my legal analysis and writing class. It went ok. It was basically a practice test for the real thing in 3 weeks.
I had a mental break down this week. I think it was more out of pure exhaustion more than anything. Josh got to hear me cry on the phone for a good 20 minutes. It was a combination of being frustrated with not knowing how to do everything at work (because I'm still in training) and frustration with my writing teacher because she doesn't know the rule of law. There is also the fact that I no longer have time in my day to eat the required amount of food that is needed to function. Because I go straight from work to school and my new work doesn't have a space large enough for me to fit food to refrigerate I don't pack anything. I also don't have time to go get dinner somewhere after work and before class. By the time class is over it's to late to eat. So yes I no longer eat dinner. (Don't worry I am getting a lunch box this weekend to amend this problem so no lectures please)
So as a result of everything that has been going on I had a mental breakdown.
It's ok though because Cassie fixed it. She texted me Wednesday and said that there was a present for me when I got home. I thought she just meant that Tessa sent me a package or something and didn't think much of it. So I get out of class and go to the apartment and walk into the kitchen and the dishes were done. I thought that was really nice considering I no longer have time to do that sort of thing and thought that was what she meant. She didn't stop there. I go to my room and my desk that had previously been covered with varies projects was completely clean. She lined up my shoes. Put clothes in the hamper. Made my bed. And bought me flowers and ice cream. She said that she hoped that it would make my day better. It was seriously the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
As a result of the afore mentioned mental breakdown I decided I need a break. I was planning on staying in Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving. I have decided that since I won't get to see Josh til Christmas that I am going to venture to Sacramento for the holiday. It will be nice to have 4 days with the boyfriend. I'm excited to see him and spend time with his family and get to know them more.

What is this a center for ants?

Life has been hectic. Finals are quickly approaching. My brain is on over load. Not only do I have to learn the rules of law I have to what documents get filed where and how this attorney likes this and that. I like being able to challenge myself but I am also frustrated because I get upset when I don't get it right the first time.
If I had a dollar for every time the guy whose training me said "it's ok Theresa this is only your ____ day(enter appropriate number of days I've been working there (at this point it's less than 5), I'd be a rich woman. There is just so much information.
To be honest though I wouldn't have it any other way.I am free from the drama. I am learning stuff that is important for my future.
I have decided though that I need to do more fun things. Not that I have a lot of time for it though. I am going to attempt to document the 25 days leading up to Christmas. I need to get back to scrapbooking. I need to have a way to let my creativity out and just think about non law related stuff for at least an hour a week. This is doable right?
Plus I think it will be fun to look back at what my life entails at this point.I have accomplished so much and everything is just great. It will be a good way to remember this time and the wonderful people I have surrounding me. An added bonus is that I will also be going home for the holidays so Josh's family and mine will get to be a part of it as well.
I am so looking forward to this holiday season. Cassie's parents are coming down for Thanksgiving. They are always so much fun and I can't wait to spend time with them.
Then after that there is one week of class and then dead week then finals. Time is going by very quickly. It is very exciting :)

And I'm leaving you all with this... a picture of me and my LOVE because I realize I have yet to do that

He makes me so unbelievably happy <3

My New Job and Last Day At Chase

My last day at the bank was on Friday. Right when I walked in they took away my cash. A teller with no cash means that I had to walk around for 4 hours with absolutely nothing to do. I guess it could be worse though. I could have had to face the line of disgruntled customers.
I was however slightly surprise. I received some balloons and a carrot cake to wish me luck on my new adventure. To be honest I didn't think they cared. It made me feel good though. Not enough to cover up the fact that I will not be getting my end of the month bonus or that I am still waiting to receive my final paycheck. I am just glad to be away from a company that has made me feel worthless for a year.
But it is all over and done with now.
Today was my first day at my new job. It is hectic. There is a lot to learn. But I LOVE it. When I file paperwork or walk back from the court I get to read and see the process on how to run a law firm. I know it has only been a day but I feel like I can see myself here for a while.
Now all I need is my boyfriend to live closer and my life will be complete

How to make the pain go away

Every day I try not to think about it. I have moved on but I still carry the pain that he caused. I wonder if it will ever leave my mind. I’m still angry. I don’t want to be. I want it to be one of those things that happened and I grew and learned from it and move on. But I can’t. I have a fear that he will do it again. That he did not learn his lesson. He blames me for everything and acts like he was completely innocent. I want to cause him as much pain and hurt that he caused me. This is not a healthy want. I want to make sure that another woman doesn’t have to go through the abuse that I went through. The name calling, the belittling, the punches, and the pain. The never feeling good enough.
I feel as though my self esteem will never be the same. No matter how often I get told by my boyfriend how beautiful I am I hear him whispering how I am fat and ugly. Whenever I am having a bad day and apologize for my overacting mood I hear him calling me a stupid bitch. I think back on the fist fights we would have. The going into work making up excuses about the marks on my face. The wincing whenever I would bend because of the bruises on my stomach.
I used to have to begged to be touched. I would go weeks on end without someone touching me. I was denied hugs and handholding. These are essential things that people need.
I am trying to move on. I am stronger because I have survived. I could have stayed. Leaving was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own. If it wasn’t for Monica, Cassie, and my grandma I would probably still be there. Miserable. I used to cry everyday. Now I only cry when watching something sad on tv (or when I miss Josh). It’s not the same miserableness as before.
It’s just the emotional abuse that hurt worse. That’s what stays with you more. They say that sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you. They are wrong. The things he said to me will stay with me forever. The bruises heal. His voice in my head doesn’t disappear.
I hope his new conquests proceed with caution and don’t get hurt like I did.