This year I learned...

I can't believe 2010 is over. This year was a crazy emotional rollercoaster. I wouldn't change a thing. 
This year I learned that there is a point in a relationship where you have to evaluate if things are ever going to improve or if they are just going to get worse and you are going to remain miserable. 
This year I learned that I am strong and can do anything I put my mind to. 
This year I learned that I am worth more than I think I am. 
This year I learned that I have wonderful people in my life that are there to support me when I realize that I am in an unsafe situation and they will help get me out of it.
This year I learned that leaving him was the greatest and bravest thing I have done for myself and I should have done it years ago.
This year I learned how much fun it is to live with your best friend.
This year I learned that living by the beach is wonderful.
This year I learned that I can accomplish a dream and go back to school and become a lawyer.
This year I learned that craigslist can get you out of your deadend job and move you to one that is in the field you are studying.
This year I learned that the guy I only gave a chance for a week back in high school is the love of my life 11 years later. 
This year I learned that I can laugh more, cry less, and love like I never thought possible.
I know 2011 will be great because I have a wonderful man and great friends by my side. But most importantly I have a confidence that I never knew existed. 

Vacation

Fun fact for the day:
A false and defamatory statement concerning another;
The unprivileged publication of the statement to a third party (that is, somebody other than the person defamed by the statement);
If the defamatory matter is of public concern, fault amounting at least to negligence on the part of the publisher; and
Damage to the plaintiff.

So let me break it down. If it's true not defamation. The end.

On a better happier note vacation is in full swing. Christmas was nice. It was enjoyable to just stay in one place and not have to drive in twenty different directions.

Last night Josh and I celebrated our anniversary. We went to see little fockers. It was funny. Usually when they have multiple movies like that the second and third movies aren't as good. It wasn't the case here. I think may be slightly biased because I am in love with Ben Stiller. When Josh picked me up for our date he gave me roses. They are so pretty and make me so happy.

This vacation is going to be very mellow which I am excited about. Really the only thing I have planned is going to see a friend in Chico for a night. Other than that I am gettin ready for the next semester of school and spending time with the boy as much as possible.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday :)

December Daily Progress

I have the first two pages of the December Daily complete. However my brand new printer isn't working with me. I'm too tired to deal with it right now. Hopefully I can get my fabulous roommate to fix it tomorrow.
It has been fun to have a project to think about other than school for a bit. What's good about it is it doesn't take a super long time to get a page finished.
Hopefully when I have a working printer I can post the pages I have so far.

Tomorrow's wine night and we are having Taco Chili for dinner...sound pretty fabulous to me.

:)

It’s getting easier

This week is already better than the last. I think it helps that it is a short week this week. Basically Monday was really Wednesday. Our staff meeting lasted an hour and a half. We hedged bets, we laughed, I saw the attorney's let their hair down a bit. It is fun to see them in action and how their minds work. How they shoot ideas off each other and try to anticipate how opposing counsel and the judge will rule.

We were told that the firm will be closed from the 24^th – 3^rd. I can't remember when I've had this much time off without having to put up a fight for it. Best of all it's paid and doesn't go against my 2 weeks vacation that I get to take at another time. Also there's a plan to go to a ski resort for a weekend in February. We are having an ugly sweater party as party of our holiday dinner.

I am starting to get it. I only had to ask a handful of questions today. The attorneys told me I did a good job. I am starting to feel more comfortable.

I am still scared to death that I will mess up. But I am trying.

 

Life and Stuff

Working 40 hours a week is insane.
Working 40 hours a week and having 3 classes is even more insane.
I had a final this week for my legal analysis and writing class. It went ok. It was basically a practice test for the real thing in 3 weeks.
I had a mental break down this week. I think it was more out of pure exhaustion more than anything. Josh got to hear me cry on the phone for a good 20 minutes. It was a combination of being frustrated with not knowing how to do everything at work (because I'm still in training) and frustration with my writing teacher because she doesn't know the rule of law. There is also the fact that I no longer have time in my day to eat the required amount of food that is needed to function. Because I go straight from work to school and my new work doesn't have a space large enough for me to fit food to refrigerate I don't pack anything. I also don't have time to go get dinner somewhere after work and before class. By the time class is over it's to late to eat. So yes I no longer eat dinner. (Don't worry I am getting a lunch box this weekend to amend this problem so no lectures please)
So as a result of everything that has been going on I had a mental breakdown.
It's ok though because Cassie fixed it. She texted me Wednesday and said that there was a present for me when I got home. I thought she just meant that Tessa sent me a package or something and didn't think much of it. So I get out of class and go to the apartment and walk into the kitchen and the dishes were done. I thought that was really nice considering I no longer have time to do that sort of thing and thought that was what she meant. She didn't stop there. I go to my room and my desk that had previously been covered with varies projects was completely clean. She lined up my shoes. Put clothes in the hamper. Made my bed. And bought me flowers and ice cream. She said that she hoped that it would make my day better. It was seriously the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
As a result of the afore mentioned mental breakdown I decided I need a break. I was planning on staying in Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving. I have decided that since I won't get to see Josh til Christmas that I am going to venture to Sacramento for the holiday. It will be nice to have 4 days with the boyfriend. I'm excited to see him and spend time with his family and get to know them more.

What is this a center for ants?

Life has been hectic. Finals are quickly approaching. My brain is on over load. Not only do I have to learn the rules of law I have to what documents get filed where and how this attorney likes this and that. I like being able to challenge myself but I am also frustrated because I get upset when I don't get it right the first time.
If I had a dollar for every time the guy whose training me said "it's ok Theresa this is only your ____ day(enter appropriate number of days I've been working there (at this point it's less than 5), I'd be a rich woman. There is just so much information.
To be honest though I wouldn't have it any other way.I am free from the drama. I am learning stuff that is important for my future.
I have decided though that I need to do more fun things. Not that I have a lot of time for it though. I am going to attempt to document the 25 days leading up to Christmas. I need to get back to scrapbooking. I need to have a way to let my creativity out and just think about non law related stuff for at least an hour a week. This is doable right?
Plus I think it will be fun to look back at what my life entails at this point.I have accomplished so much and everything is just great. It will be a good way to remember this time and the wonderful people I have surrounding me. An added bonus is that I will also be going home for the holidays so Josh's family and mine will get to be a part of it as well.
I am so looking forward to this holiday season. Cassie's parents are coming down for Thanksgiving. They are always so much fun and I can't wait to spend time with them.
Then after that there is one week of class and then dead week then finals. Time is going by very quickly. It is very exciting :)

And I'm leaving you all with this... a picture of me and my LOVE because I realize I have yet to do that

He makes me so unbelievably happy <3

My New Job and Last Day At Chase

My last day at the bank was on Friday. Right when I walked in they took away my cash. A teller with no cash means that I had to walk around for 4 hours with absolutely nothing to do. I guess it could be worse though. I could have had to face the line of disgruntled customers.
I was however slightly surprise. I received some balloons and a carrot cake to wish me luck on my new adventure. To be honest I didn't think they cared. It made me feel good though. Not enough to cover up the fact that I will not be getting my end of the month bonus or that I am still waiting to receive my final paycheck. I am just glad to be away from a company that has made me feel worthless for a year.
But it is all over and done with now.
Today was my first day at my new job. It is hectic. There is a lot to learn. But I LOVE it. When I file paperwork or walk back from the court I get to read and see the process on how to run a law firm. I know it has only been a day but I feel like I can see myself here for a while.
Now all I need is my boyfriend to live closer and my life will be complete

How to make the pain go away

Every day I try not to think about it. I have moved on but I still carry the pain that he caused. I wonder if it will ever leave my mind. I’m still angry. I don’t want to be. I want it to be one of those things that happened and I grew and learned from it and move on. But I can’t. I have a fear that he will do it again. That he did not learn his lesson. He blames me for everything and acts like he was completely innocent. I want to cause him as much pain and hurt that he caused me. This is not a healthy want. I want to make sure that another woman doesn’t have to go through the abuse that I went through. The name calling, the belittling, the punches, and the pain. The never feeling good enough.
I feel as though my self esteem will never be the same. No matter how often I get told by my boyfriend how beautiful I am I hear him whispering how I am fat and ugly. Whenever I am having a bad day and apologize for my overacting mood I hear him calling me a stupid bitch. I think back on the fist fights we would have. The going into work making up excuses about the marks on my face. The wincing whenever I would bend because of the bruises on my stomach.
I used to have to begged to be touched. I would go weeks on end without someone touching me. I was denied hugs and handholding. These are essential things that people need.
I am trying to move on. I am stronger because I have survived. I could have stayed. Leaving was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own. If it wasn’t for Monica, Cassie, and my grandma I would probably still be there. Miserable. I used to cry everyday. Now I only cry when watching something sad on tv (or when I miss Josh). It’s not the same miserableness as before.
It’s just the emotional abuse that hurt worse. That’s what stays with you more. They say that sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you. They are wrong. The things he said to me will stay with me forever. The bruises heal. His voice in my head doesn’t disappear.
I hope his new conquests proceed with caution and don’t get hurt like I did.

An Update

It's official. I got a new job. I have 5 days left at the bank and couldn't be more excited to leave. I will be a file clerk/receptionist at a family law firm here in town. They tell me that it is not a glamorous job and I will be doing a lot filing and phone answering but I can get a lot out of it if I work at it. I will work at it. I am excited to finally get my foot in the door at a real law firm. My second interview was with one of the firms partners and he is very nice and funny. I am so excited to actually be doing something that is associated with what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Plus it was exciting because I heard the news of my new job when Josh was here visiting. That meant that we all got to go and celebrate. And how did we celebrate...by going to Disneyland DUH! It was a lot of fun. Cassie and I are officially season pass holders (the season pass was only $20 more than the 2 day park hopper) so hopefully we will be going more soon.
So for now everything in life seems to be working out perfectly. Good job, going to school, great friends, the people in my life are healthy. I have so much to be thankful for. Who would have thought all this would happen in 7 short months.

Life is great :)

Work is pushing me to my limit

I understand a lot of things about the business world. Not much. But enough to know when I am being taken advantage of by a company. What is awful is that I’m stuck. There are no jobs out there. Most places don’t want to hire me because they see the fact that I am in law school and know that I won’t be there for the long term. Law firms won’t hire me because I have no real office experience. I’ve been looking for 6 months. I’ve gone on 4 interviews. Nothing. This last interview I thought I had the job. It was for a Lead Teller position at a different branch (for the same company). The individual doing the hiring is my current assistant manager. He is getting promoted to branch manager of this other branch. About a month ago he approached me and told me about a lead teller position that would be coming available soon. He indicated that he was going to hire me if I applied for the job. He didn’t flat out say “if you apply I will hire you” but there was a strong inclination that that was the case. So I interviewed. It went great. I told him how I practically do the job as lead teller now (which he knows), I told him how I know how to do all the research and how to train tellers and basically how awesome I am. Again at the interview he said that he would LOVE for me to be at his branch because he knows of what a good job I would do. He still had one more person to interview and he would let me know on Friday. He made it sound as though there would be nothing stopping him from hiring me. So Friday finally comes. I was a nervous wreck all day. I go and sit down at his desk. He informs me that he is offering the other person the position. I break down. Tears start streaming. I feel hurt and betrayed by this company again. What do I have to do to get a raise. He said the only reason why I wasn’t offered the position was because of my availability. With me being in school I can’t close three days a week. I would still have full time availability but am unable to stay to 6:30 on 3 of the 6 day workweek. He said that he knows that I would do an amazing job. That he LOVES me. That there is a plan for me moving up in the company but I have to wait another 3 or 4 months. Another 3 or 4 months of making less than every single employee in the branch. Even the new hires. Because when I transferred I transferred in at the same pay I got in Chico. Where cost of living was less than half of what it is here. In Santa Barbara one of my pay checks doesn’t even cover rent. So what am I supposed to do? I feel like the only thing to do is to sit and take the abuse. Even though I know it’s wrong. I’ve talked with my Manager and he says the only way I can get a pay raise is to wait til raise time (January) and then I will get a percentage increase based on what’s allotted for the whole team or get promoted. So pretty much I’m screwed. On the way home from hearing that I again got shafted by this company this song came on. It surprisingly isn’t from No Doubt but it describes how I am feeling to a T. I’ll edit it so it is a tad more appropriate (as it’s from Eminem).



I don't think she understands the sacrifices that I made (Chase)
Maybe if this place had acted right I would've stayed (they are going to be lost without me when I find a new job)
But I've already wasted over half of my life I would've laid
Down and died for you I no longer cry for you (I am so sick of coming home from work in tears)
No more pain for you
Took me for granted took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it, and imma be the boss of you now goddamnit
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you while I've stayed
Faithful all the way this is how I get repaid
Look at how I dress baggy sweats, (or blue and black uniform same thing)
Always in a rush to get back to you I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me I deserve respect
Ive done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase it's time to step
And I wont be coming back so don't hold your breath
You know what you've done no need to go in depth
I told you, you'd be sorry if I left
Id laugh while you wept
Hows it feel now, yeah, funny ain't it, you neglected me
Did me a favor although my spirit free you've said
But a special place for you in my heart I have kept
It's unfortunate but it's,


[Verse 2]
I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cause that ain't good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
Til I snap
Don't think I'm loyal
All I do is rap
I can not moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time
You don't think so do you
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I'm married to you still man I don't know
But tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you
Go marry someone else and make em famous
And take away their freedom like you did to me
Treat em like you don't need them and they ain't worthy of you
Feed em the same shit you made me eat
I'm moving on forget you oh,
Now I'm special? Oh, I didn't feel special when i was with you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drown in so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss
You screaming as I walk out that I'll be missed
But when you spoke to people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list


I'm leaving you, my life sentence is served bitch
And it's just

[Chorus]
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late
Caught in a chase
25 to life
So what’s my solution. Last time this happened (in Chico) I gave up. I stopped caring. That got me no where. Now I’m going to try. I am going to get more referral than any other teller. I am going to take on more responsibility than anyone ever thought was possible. I am going to be the best employee this company has ever seen. I am going to show they exactly how valuable I am. Show them what a huge mistake they are making. So then once I do find another job they will be screwed. I going to make them regret what they have done to me and my emotions over the past two years. The End.

Life Lately

Life lately has been super hectic. This is a warning now that this blog post is going to random and scattered, kinda like my life lately. We are officially moved into our new apartment. 2 bedrooms 1.5 baths and tons of space. Cassie and I couldn’t be happier. We each have our own rooms and have similar decorating styles so we are excited to unpack and get the furniture all put together so we can make our house a home. Pretty much all Cassie and I talk about lately is how awesome we are, how great life is, and how we love our new place.
Also school has kept me insanely busy. Like right now I should be writing a case brief but I am typing this instead. We all need a little break now and then. I am learning a lot in each of my classes. When I start to feel lazy I gently remind myself how hard I had to work to get here and I am one of the lucky few people in life who gets a second chance at their dream and I can’t blow it. I won’t let myself. Cassie won’t let me. Josh won’t let me. I can’t let my grandma down.
This time around I have support. I have a roommate who is excited. She lets me tell her about the cases that I read. She tells me when I need to stop talking and study instead. While we in the studio she left for a couple hours because she knew how important studying was. I have the greatest boyfriend ever. If he finds out I’m busy with school work he simply says “ok babe, have fun let me know when you are done.” I won’t even repeat what the old one would say because it’s not appropriate. Just by Josh saying something so simple (and what most people’s reactions would be) makes me so happy. It takes huge amounts of stress off of me. I don’t have to feel guilty for doing something for my future.
This is where it is going to get random. The month of September always reminds me of my little sister. Not Melissa. My other little sister that live in Washington. The one I haven’t seen since she was 5. She is turning 13 this month. I was thinking that if I pasted her on the street I wouldn’t know what she looks like. I wouldn’t know it was her. This breaks my heart. I want to be there for my little sister. To support her and offer her advice and be her friend. And I can’t.
I choose to not have contact with my father. He is not a person I need in my life. He only calls when he needs something from me. He has never been a father to me. My grandfather was my father. Regardless of this Sheri is still my sister. I want to get to know her. I don’t know how. Her mother is just as poisonous as my dad. She is vindictive and will jump through hoops to better herself while making other look horrible. I do not know if she will let me speak with my sister if I tried to contact her. I don’t even know how I would reach her. I just want to get to know this growing person. I want to know if she is like me. Does she look like me? Does she act like me? Does she like the same things I do? Hopefully someday I will know the answer.

For now I will just keep living my wonderful life here in Santa Barbara and hopefully someday my questions will be answered.

And so it begins

It's official. Today I paid my tuition and got my books. I am waiting for the computer to realize that my printer is hooked up to it so I can print sylbi. This last weekend consisted of getting ready for all the studying that is going to happen. School supplied were bought. I really enjoy post-its and high-liters. It kinda makes me happy that my grandma has some stock in 3m cause I feel like I'm giving back. Oh man am I funny.

Anyway our tiny studio apartment is full of everything law school. There are piles of books, binders, post-its, and flashcards. We are so ready to move. Cassie is taking it like a champ though. I have the greatest friend ever.

She officially gave notice on our apartment so we are on the hunt for something bigger. Where we can both have our own bed. I'm excited. I don't know if I would have survived this long in such close quarters with anyone else. We mesh well together.

So the next couple months are going to be CRAZY insane. I'll be working, moving, and going to school. Add in a couple (hopefully more than just a couple) visits from the boyfriend I will be one busy lady. It will all be worth in the end though.

I seriously couldn't be happier.

I'm almost 25 and a 1/2 AHHHHHH

With my half birthday quickly approaching I decided to take a look at what I still need to try an accomplish on my 25 things to do while 25 list

1. Learn Photoshop
2. Skydive
3. Learn Yoga
1. Learn Photoshop
2. Skydive
3. Learn Yoga
4. Take more pics between me and Cassie we have tons of pictures and videos documenting the last couple months of fun we have been having...now all I need to do is print them and scrapbooks will be made
5. Go to museums/art stuff We have attended first Thursday and an exhibit at the art museum
6. Take advantage of the beach We went to the beach a couple of times but haven't recently...we should still do that more
7. Learn to run
8. Be more green
9. Experiment with food
10. Do the IV Loop
11. Volunteer
12. Save $$
13. Read more- go to library I got a library card and with Law School starting I am sure this will be fulfilled
14. Laugh A LOT! DUH
15. Find a career I'm gunna be a LAWYER
16. Get into law school probably my proudest accomplishment this year
17. Go to the doctor I went got cancer removed and am one healthy lady :)
18. Wear sunscreen it is a religion now
19. Do Vegas right
20. Be more confident
21. Be more selfish
22. Take chances
23. Put more effort into friendships
24. Scrapbook more
25. Be happy and fabulous!

I am such a different person then when I moved out here. I am extremely happy. I have the most amazing boyfriend. And the best friend a girl can ask for. I am going to accomplish a dream I've had since 4th grade...even if the rest of the list doesn't get accomplished I think it's a pretty successful year. :)

A new beginning

The letter that changed my life. 

Friday I was closing at work and I got a text from Cassie saying she got a letter from Santa Barbara college of law. I've been wait for this letter for a month and a half.
After thinking that my application was submitted and ready for review I recieved an email about a month ago informing me they needed my transcript from wsu and from Chico state as well as a letter of standing. I thought I had already submitted these items and was under a lot of stress cause they needed to get to the school asap because my application was going to a special commitee for further review. A process that I thought did not sound very promising. 
After complying with all their requests I checked the mail daily for a responds. I somehow forgot that I gave the school the po box rather than our physical address or else I would have recieved the results faster. 

So back to the text. Cassie told me they sent me something. For the next twenty minutes at work I was a wreck. I was shaking and trying to get everyone to get everything done so I could go home and read my fate. Would I get a second chance of becoming a lawyer or was I destined to work various jobs that were meaningless to me for the rest of my life? 

I sped home. I texted Cassie in the car (something I try to never ever ever do because of how dangerous it is). I asked if it was a small or large envelope. Small equals doom large equals success. She wouldn't tell me. I thought about how I could put a positive spin on a rejection letter. I hit every red light. That five minute drive home felt like hours. 

I ran into the house she handed me the letter. It was small. Doom. I sat down not wanting to read the results. Shaking. This is it I thought. This is them rejecting me. I'm never going to have a career that I will love. I will always wonder what my life would have been like if I was an attorney. 

I opened it. I didn't even read it. I lost the ability to comprehend words. I scanned for key phrases. The first sentance made it sound as though my life was over. But when I finally had enough brain power to put together words again I realized they were informing me that I did in fact get into law school!!!!!

I cried, Cassie screamed, I screamed, and I wad still shaking. I called my grandma. I longed for Josh to be off work so I could call him to, but settled for a text instead. I was and still am so excited. 

How many people get to say they get a second chance at living their dream? I no longer have to say my biggest regret is dropping out of law school. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I have the support of my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. Nothing will get in my way. I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason and if I hadn't gone through what I have in the past three years I don't think I could fully appreciate what's been given to me.
Monica said it all when she texted me this. It made me cry even more "I am so happy for you and so is chris we are really proud of what you have done since you left todd. You have started this new and amazing life for yourself :X"
She is so right and I am never going to forget how truely close I was to giving up on myself. I will never give up on myself. Karma wins yet again. 

In less than one month I will officailly be a law student again. I couldn't be happier. :)

Things I learned over the weekend

The boyfriend came to visit. It was his first time here in Santa barbara. Cassie and I took advantage of having a driver and we packed the weekend full of fun activities. 

1. Wine tasting is as fun as it sounds. 
2. Pilazzo (most likely being spelled wrong) has amazing food and even more amazing 48oz pomoagrante martinis
3. When boyfriend asks if youre sure you need another drink you probably don't need one
4. He says he doesn't dance but he does
5. Rollercoasters are still scary. 
6. Working while the boyfriend is at home makes the day drag, especially if he is leaving the next day.
7. You can fit a lot of sight seeing into an hour 
8. Crush cakes cupcakes can survive a plan ride
9. Letting him go back to the airport is the hardest thing ever.
10. I have the best boyfriend and best hetro life mate.  I'm a very lucky lady

 

Randomness...As Usual

This week at work was insanely busy. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that someone made the schedule who didn't know what they were doing. I left late every single day. But oh well at least I got extra hours right?
Which brings me to my next point. Why don't people fill out their deposit and withdrawal slips? Do people think we have them in three different locations in the branch for show? It really irritates me when there is a line to the door and someone comes up and their like "I want $60." Ok do you have a withdrawal slip filled out? NOOOOO. So you were just waiting in line for 10-15 minutes not doing anything?!?! REALLYYYY. I get it if you don't know your account number. I don't know mine either. It doesn't take much effort to find it. It does however take effort to do all of the work for you. I have to figure out proper spelling of YOUR name. I have to figure out how much money YOU want from YOUR account. And then I have to ask for YOUR signature. This whole process can take you less than 30 seconds while it takes me a minute to a minute and a half. Which in turn means an even longer wait time for other customers. The whole thing would work a lot better if you did your part. K thanks!
Other than work being crazy there's not a whole lot else to report 4th of July was fun. It consisted of me and Cassie meeting friends at the harbor and watching fireworks. The next day we went to Eclipse. I am torn between Edward and Jacob. I guess that means I understand where Bella is coming from. Although my decision is fully physical. Wow I sound super nerdy talking about this.
Some day No Doubt is going to announce their album release date. And that will be the happiest day of my life. At least until the album gets released. Then after I grow up a bit I am sure it will stay in the top 10 happiest moments of my life...
Which makes me wonder what are the happiest moments. Let's see:
1. Being front row at the No Doubt concert
2. My 21st Birthday
3. Valentine's Day the year Tessa was my Valentine
4. High School graduation
5. The day I got my Yaris
6. My 16th birthday including the tping the night before (if you read this Mandy we totally tped your house)
7. The first night I hung out with Cassie outside of work ("are you an astronaut cause your pants are out of this world")
8. Grandpa coming to pick me up from Chico after my car accident and we talked and laughed and it was just the two of us on the way back to Sac (every time I drive past this rose bush on 99 I think about how he told me how beautiful he thought they were)
9. Every night out with Cassie
10. The first time he kissed me and every kiss after that (wow that's super cheesy who cares it's true)

Ok I think that's enough with the random. I hope the two people that read this enjoyed it. This time next week Boyfriend will be up in the air flying in to see me cause he is so amazingly wonderful :)

Makes you think

These next few songs are from Bobby Gaylore read them if you want or don't but they hold some truths and make you think :)



Animals don't have a choice.
If they're not happy with their place in the world... too bad.
They have to live the life they've been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don't have to.
We have a choice.
If you don't like your place in the world
you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That's right.
You don't like the way your life's going,
you don't like the way you are in the world,
anything around you,
you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren't allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras... if they even had remotely that thought
would take a look at themselves and go, "What the F*#K!
Black & white in a green & brown world... this blows.
I'm just gonna jump in the river.... I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife or even open a jar of pills. I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth. Why even bother?"
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there's a bunch of people that say, "Oh, it's against the law". Well, it's only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, "Oh, we should save them". Yeah, well you know what? Not everybody wants to be saved. Not everybody should be saved. And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human? Freedom of choice? Now, it's not all bad.
Now, I'm not saying "Kill yourself". But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway, it's no sweat off of my back. There's a lot of good that could come from it. A little bit of bad thrown in. Some of the things: A job will open... An apartment will become available... There'll be more air for me... They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me... There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me... There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out... I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips and have the clerk point at you and say, "They bought the last bag".... You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served... You'll never get AIDS... You won't have to worry about calories ever... No more, "Hey, does this make me look fat?"... There'll be one less polluting human...You won't have to recycle... There'll be one less car on the road... There'll be more Ring Dings for me... Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared... Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios... You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore... No more church... You'll be saying, "Hey, World - Kiss My Ass!"... No more wet dreams about Supermodels... No more Barry Manilow... For a few years anyway... Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past... Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles... You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion... F*#K flossing and brushing... You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare... Adios, Acne... Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain... See ya later, homework... You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park... Schools out forever.... No more paying bills... You won't have to do chores... You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though...
You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries...
Bugs Bunny...
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time...
You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws...
Candy...
Living above ground...
Pudding crust...
You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment...
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to "F*#K Off! I gotta make my own mistakes....you did"...
You'll miss sex - you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it, sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners... No more summer nights that seem to go on forever...
Roller coasters....
Naming your kid the name you always wanted...
Making a difference in the world...
You'll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics...
Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open...
A lifetime of masturbating...
Watching your favorite team sweep the series...
Music...
You will definitely miss music...
Trying to sneak into your house drunk - three hours past your curfew...
You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks...
The taste of Captain Crunch...
If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt... If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants... You'll miss your favorite coat...
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries...
Beating your friends at video games...
You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be...
You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact...
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas...
Skinny dipping...
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin...
Flying cars...
Hey, you were born - Finish what was started.




AND ON TO THE NEXT INSPIRATIONAL SONG

Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience...
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...
You're not as fat as you Imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy;
Sometimes you're ahead,
Sometimes You're behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
If you Succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
Life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't Congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, Use it every way you can... Don't be afraid of it, or what other people Think of it,
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own...

Dance... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you.
And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings;
They are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will Philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

Vacation!!

My vacation
With work making so I can't earn anymore vacation time over a certain number of hours I decided to take some time off so I could get all the vacation I deserve. So off to Sacramento I went. 
The drive was aweful as expected. But I survived thanks to a rockstar. Upon my arrival a lovely gentleman took me to dinner at the cheesecake factory where I had the best salad ever. It had mango and cucumber and was fabulous. 
The next couple days were spent spending time with friends from high school and catching up on old times and discovering what was new. 
I went to the San Francisco zoo with Josh which was pretty entertaining. :)
I went to Chico to spend some time with Monica and Chris. While there I realized how much I missed that little town of mine. That town gave me my first chance to be free. But I have grown and moved on to way better things since then. 
I returned back to Sacramento where I had lunch with Cheryl and Lauri. We used to work at the park together and grew super close through what life has dealt us. Lauri is six month pregnant with her first child and couldn't look cuter. I am so happy for her and her husband. And I have learned that Cheryl means positive and perserver. That woman can do anything. And she's still smiling. She is such an inspiration. Lunch was amazing. Four hours flew by like ten minutes. And I got to feel the baby kick!
That night Tessa came into town so we had a reuion with our old roomie Kristen. Then Tessa, Josh, and I attempted to go dancing with the wifey and her fiancé but that failed. We still had fun hanging out and chatting. I can't wait for Courtney's wedding next month :)
The next day was a lazy one. Me and Tessa headed back over to kristens and relaxed watching tv and laughing.
Then it was time to head back to Santa Barbara on Sunday. 
Overall it was a pretty good vacation. I got to spend some time with my amazing friends. It was also nice to get a surprise visit from my uncles!! An added bonus is that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. I couldn't ask for someone better. He is super sweet, caring, and genuine. I'm pretty lucky :) 

Happy birthday grandpa

Dear grandpa,
Happy birthday. You always told me you brought the sunshine. It is true. Whenever I think of you I smile. I miss you everyday. I wish that you were there to warn me about the bad choices I made when it came to the opposite sex. I also wish that you could be around when I finally figure it all out and pick a good one. One like you. I wish that you could give me away on my wedding day. You will be there in a way though because you are always in my heart. I am the person I am today because of you. I know when I was a teenager I wasn't the easiest person to get along with. I think that's because we are so much alike. Always right and too stuborn for our own good. I am glad I got to spend all the time with you that I did. From weekly trips to burger king with Russel, sitting on the back porch eating watermelon, swimming at the elks lodge, and many other great memories and expeirences I would have never had if it weren't for you. You taught me how to fish, hammer a nail, change a tire. You sent me to college with a tool box and in my first apartment whenever anything broke my roommates turned to me to fix it because I knew how to because of you. You taught me that if you love someone you stick by them. You came to my rescue on so many different occassions. I hate to think what would happen if you weren't there to save me. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams on occassion. And thank you for letting grandma stay with us a little longer. I know you are smiling down on me with that big goofy grin of yours. 
I know you are looking down on me and I hope you are proud. I am beyond greatful that I got to tell you how much I love you one last time. I am the person I am today because of you. I hope you are enjoying a nice glass of scotch in heaven today on your birthday. I love you grandpa.  

3 Things

Came across this from one of the scrapbooking blogs I read and thought it'd be fun :)

Three names I go by:
Tlf but pronounced Tulf
Theres~a
Sister

Three places I have lived:
Sacramento, Ca
Chico, Ca
Santa Barbara, Ca


Three places I have worked:
A bank
A jail
Jamba Juice

Three things I love to watch:
The Office
Sex and the City
Whatever Movie comes in the mail via Netflix

Three things I love to eat:
Fruit
Chicken
Chips and Salsa

Three things I am looking forward to this summer:
My trip to Sacramento
Visits from friends
Making fabulous memories :)

Life Lately

I'm probably going to jinx myself by saying this but life has been pretty great lately. Minus a few mishaps at work I couldn't be happier. I get my stitches removed Wednesday and still haven't heard from the doctor. It is one of those no news is good news kinda situations.
I completed and mailed my law school application with the editing help of Cassie of course. Hopefully I will hear good news from them soon.
I go on vacation next week and can't wait. I am so excited to see all my old friends that I haven't seen in years. I love how I can meet up with these ladies and it's like no time has past at all. I know lots of laughs will be had. Added bonus I get to get my hair done and spend some time in Chico with Monica.
Monica saved my life in Chico. She knew about the situation I was in and said "theresa that's enough you're moving in with me." And that's what I did. If I didn't have her support and the support of all my friends I would probably still be in the same situation.
Plus a trip to San Fran with someone special.
Sounds like the making of a fabulous trip to me! I am going to need a vacation from my vacation with all the running around I'm going to be doing. But it will be well worth it.
I was telling Cassie on our walk yesterday that I hope people get to be this happy in their lives too. That is my dream. That every gets to experience the pure joy and love I have in my heart for themselves because you deserve it.

That's all for todays rambling :)

Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend

She is pretty great. I could write a super long list but I would most likely leave out about 1000 things. She is my Hetro-life mate. We have way too much fun together. When we are together we always laugh until we cry. She gets me in a way no one else does and I love her for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.
So yes my dear Cassie-Cassie I think you are beyond fabulous. Who knew that sitting waiting for kids on a park bench would lead to years of wonderful friendship. Thanks for always being here for me, for being my wing woman, for always taking one for the team. For all the wonderful memories we have made and the ones still to come. I <3 you.

"Oh Yeah" "LeLand Err" "Don't you be frickin pickin up the toilet lid"

You truly are my soul mate and best friend!!

Emails like this make me happy

Hey Guys...thinking a lot about you! We are baking up one of the most delicious records...your ears will hardly be able to take it...it will be so pleasurable!

It's been so fun being together everyday. We started writing at Tony's studio in his house. We just moved to a real studio in the Valley and it makes it all feel like it's finally happening. We're recording the first batch of songs that we wrote now and after this we're gonna go right back in and write some more.

Wouldn't have gotten to this point without all of you coming out to see us on the Summer Tour. You are so inspiring! Gonna tweet you pictures and keep you updated. We need your vibes! Check out some more news down below...

Love,
Gwen & My Boys (the No Doubt ones)


Now all I need is a release date and I'm all set. Can't wait to hear all the fabulous new music to continue the soundtrack of my life :)

And then life punches you in the face

My day was going normal. I had just gotten out of the shower. I noticed I had a missed call and thought it was someone about a job application I submitted last week. I started listening to the message. It was my doctor. You see last week I decided to do something I have been avoiding for about 7 years now. I went to the dermatologist. The first time I went in high school it was so tramatic I never wanted to go again. 
So I womaned up and went. Sitting there in one of those itchy gowns waiting for the doctor to come it was beyond nerve-racking. So she came in checked everything out and decided two spots had to go one on my nose and one on my ankle. Nothing to be too worried about. 
Then I got the phone call. She said that  the skin on my nose came out fine but my ankle was another story. She said that she would like to perform a proceedure to take out more skin around the spot and a little deeper into it. She said that I will be left with stitches and an inch and half to two inch scar on my leg. Then she will send in those cells to make sure nothing else is abnormal. If it is I have to go back for more treatment. If not I am semi home free. 
Talk about a wake up call. This has made me realize how little time we have on this planet. I need to focus on different things. I need to live life. To stop worrying about the unimportant. I am glad that I did have the courage to go to the doctor because if I would have waited it would be worse. They caught this early. I still have a chance to live and I am going to. I am not going to worry about if he likes me, or that work sucks, or that I have a scar on my leg. I'm a live. And I am going to life to the fullest and be happy. 

In my head

Why is it always easier to believe the bad rather than the good? There are little thoughts that keep occupying my brain. Doubts and questions that are on repeat. I want them to stop but I don't know how. For three years i was with a man who fed off my insecurities. I would confide in him and he would use it against me. Everday I was fat, ugly, and dumb. After three years it really took a toll. I believed it to be true. Then one day I had my "ah ha" moment. I realized that I was fine and he was just telling me these things because he wasn't secure with himself. He needed to put me down in order to feel better about himself. 
I still have problems hearing the good stuff though. No matter how many times i get told im pretty or smart or those great things friends tell you because they are so supportive and wonderful i dont believe them. For some reason my brain doesn't take it to heart as much as the bad. 
I am trying to change my way of thinking though. Cause deep down I know the truth. I'm freaking great!!! I know I am on the right track by surrounding myself with positive people who make me happy. I honestly have the best friends in the world.   

My new outlook on life

There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't ride to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all I can choose my thoughts. 
Taken from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love

Untitled

If you would have asked me at the start of 2010 what the year had in store for me I would have answered like this: Todd and I will be engaged and living in whatever town he can get a job in. I was lying to myself and everyone else. I was not happy with that situtation. So I did the scariest thing I have ever done. 
I left
I realized I was depending on this person for my happiness and he wasn't capable of providing it for me. Since I have left I know it is my own responsibility to provide the happiness. I know now that I am capable of providing that happiness for myself. Because I am happy. 
I have not laughed and smiled so much in my life. I am sure living with my best friend helps that a lot. We laugh and giggle more than anyone I know. We laugh so hard it brings us to tears on a daily basis.
So what's in store for the rest of 2010. I have no idea. But I do know i'm going to have fun, live life, and be fabulous. Oh and go back to law school :)

Kylee Grace

Kylee Grace,
My perfect niece. You are your mothers angel. I will never forget the day you came into the world. It was also the day that you left it. Never even getting a chance at life. You were so small and fragile. Like nothing I can describe. You being born changed my sister and myself forever. You were a blessing. You had the Kowalyk nose and Lissa's crazy spider toes. Unfortunately there are days when you slip my mind; but not often. I know that you are in heaven with grandpa.
It's been a year and your mom has changed so much. You inspired her to work towards her degree. She stopped being selfish and realized the importance of family. I am so extremely proud of the woman she is becoming. I do believe it is all because of you.
You were also the one who made me realize that I needed to get away from Todd. The fact that one of my friends, that I hadn't seen in years, could come visit me while I was at the hospital with sister as i was waiting for you and Todd didn't even call says it all. The things he said will never be forgiven. He always preached about how important family was but when it came down to it he was only talking about his family.
Even though you only spent a short time with us I want you to know how much I love you. I was the first one to hold you. You fit in the palm of my hand. Sister was strong and did a brave thing that day. Everything happens for a reason but I still am having a hard time finding the reason for this.
Happy birthday <3 your Aunt Theresa

Music Makes My World Go Round

I'm one of those people who has to be surrounded by music. Well it's not a necessity but definitely a huge part of my life. No matter the mood I am in there is always a song or an artist that describes exactly what I am going through and can articulate the emotions in a why that I can't. I am happy to say that I not one of those people who limits themselves to one genre. That to me is like only tasting one type of food. However saying that screamo music is like the food version of peas. It's just not for me. But every now and then when I have a bit of aggression it does just the trick.
So here fits in No Doubt. You knew it was coming. No matter how many different bands and singers I listen to none of them are as all encompassing as No Doubt. I blame Gwen Stefani although I think Tony Kanal has a little bit more to do with it. He is the support after all. Like a good bra Tony comes in and supports where it is needed to make sure the songs are in there full glory. I mean come on it takes a lot of balls to step up to the plate and help your ex-girlfriend write a song about how distraught she is over you breaking her heart. And even more so to stick by her side when she starts new relationships and wants to branch off in a different direction. I have so much respect for him. But I digress.
When I am listening to music I go to a different place. I focus on the words and place myself in the spot of the performer. It feels like nothing else I can describe and I love it.

Now I bet your life is a little more complete now that you know that about me :)

Sick Again Ahh

127/365 - Tissue Explosion
Originally uploaded by VTChEwbecca

This week consisted of me being sick yet again. I was sick less than three weeks ago. It started with an annoying tickle in my throat and me trying to convince myself that it was just allergies. But at work the next day feeling like death I knew it was more. Sunday night as I was getting things together for work the next day I realized that I tired just bringing in the laundry there was no way I would make it 7 hours on my feet. So I called in Monday morning. Lucky enough for me I had Tuesday and today off too. I don't know what I would have done without those days. Today I was able to pry myself out of bed for the first time other than forcing myself to make dinner. I know that when I go back to work tomorrow I may face a wrath of getting written up for taking too many sick days in a rolling 12 months but I don't care. It is time to look for a new job anyway.

Hope and Happiness

miles of solitude
Originally uploaded by Seattle Miles

I have so much hope for the future. I don't quite know what it will entail but I do know for the first time in a long time I am completely happy. I am living my life for myself and no one else. And it feels so good. It may sound completely selfish but I don't care. I wake up smiling and go to bed the same way. I couldn't ask for anything better. I hope everyone else gets to feel the same.

25 things to do while 25

So it's officailly my birthday. A birthday I've been dreading. A reality check that I am growing up. I need to accomplish things in my life and I thought a fun list would help keep me on track.

1. Learn Photoshop
2. Skydive
3. Learn Yoga
4. Take more pics
5. Go to museums/art stuff
6. Take advantage of the beach
7. Learn to run
8. Be more green
9. Experiment with food
10. Do the IV Loop
11. Volunteer
12. Save $$
13. Read more- go to library
14. Laugh A LOT!
15. Find a career
16. Get into law school
17. Go to the doctor
18. Wear sunscreen
19. Do Vegas right
20. Be more confident
21. Be more selfish
22. Take chances
23. Put more effort into friendships
24. Scrapbook more
25. Be happy and fabulous!

24 things that make me happy on my last day of being 24

1. Clean apartments
2. Kisses from grandma
3. Hanging out with Cassie Cassie
4. Shopping with sister
5. Hulu
6. The beach
7. Curled hair
8. Zuma cuddles
9. Santa barbara
10. Exploring
11. Not driving
12. Big sunglasses
13. Going outside and it smelling like flowers
14. Picking oranges from our orange tree
15. My friends and family showing they love me
16. Seeing the new Gwen purses at nordies
17. Moving on
18. Birthday dinner with people who love me
19. Naps
20. Early birthday presents
21. Being a smart older sister
22. New shirts
23. Refills on my fruit punch lip gloss
24. Bubble bath

Love

How can you tell if you ever really loved someone? Sometimes I look back and think of some of the really good times we had together. We really did have some good times. Those good times became fewer and far between. But love has more to do with having fun with someone. I am not sure if I ever truely loved him though, or just loved the idea of what we could be. So how do you know? With past boyfriends I never even had to question my love for them. And now after 3 years I can't tell. I know that I made the best decision of my life that's not the problem. I just wish there was a way to tell how you know when you love someone.