Every day I try not to think about it. I have moved on but I still carry the pain that he caused. I wonder if it will ever leave my mind. I’m still angry. I don’t want to be. I want it to be one of those things that happened and I grew and learned from it and move on. But I can’t. I have a fear that he will do it again. That he did not learn his lesson. He blames me for everything and acts like he was completely innocent. I want to cause him as much pain and hurt that he caused me. This is not a healthy want. I want to make sure that another woman doesn’t have to go through the abuse that I went through. The name calling, the belittling, the punches, and the pain. The never feeling good enough.
I feel as though my self esteem will never be the same. No matter how often I get told by my boyfriend how beautiful I am I hear him whispering how I am fat and ugly. Whenever I am having a bad day and apologize for my overacting mood I hear him calling me a stupid bitch. I think back on the fist fights we would have. The going into work making up excuses about the marks on my face. The wincing whenever I would bend because of the bruises on my stomach.
I used to have to begged to be touched. I would go weeks on end without someone touching me. I was denied hugs and handholding. These are essential things that people need.
I am trying to move on. I am stronger because I have survived. I could have stayed. Leaving was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own. If it wasn’t for Monica, Cassie, and my grandma I would probably still be there. Miserable. I used to cry everyday. Now I only cry when watching something sad on tv (or when I miss Josh). It’s not the same miserableness as before.
It’s just the emotional abuse that hurt worse. That’s what stays with you more. They say that sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you. They are wrong. The things he said to me will stay with me forever. The bruises heal. His voice in my head doesn’t disappear.
I hope his new conquests proceed with caution and don’t get hurt like I did.
2 comments:
Wow. I was wondering why you two split up, and now I know. I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience something so horrible.
I'm happy to hear you're moving on, though. Don't worry; time will heal you. And always remember what a beautiful, intelligent, human being you are. <3
My heart just dropped and I started to cry. Like Gina said, you are an amazing woman and no man should ever make you feel this way. If they do, they are not worth your time or tears!
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